On Self-Expression

People think I’m good at expressing myself because I write and always say what I want to say.

It is the product of me being terrified of being misunderstood. I’m always misunderstood. I still feel like I’m not saying the right things. I’m scared that when I stay silent, people will take it as a yes, or no. I don’t like that.

I want to always make myself clear because I’m tired of people misunderstanding my intentions. And I don’t want to jump into conclusions and assume what you’re thinking or feeling. I want you to tell me. When I say I absorb people, I’m still not sure if it is what they are feeling, or it’s me feeling for them. I am too emotional and subjective to a fault.

I know sometimes, we need to stay silent, but silence is scary. When someone doesn’t talk and it’s clear that he wants to say something, I’m scared what is running through inside his head. When someone doesn’t talk and it builds up inside, it will eventually explode. I saw how that kind of miscommunication ruined my family. It’s traumatising.

Or maybe it’s my defense mechanism; to stand up for myself – with my words. Perhaps, it is the only way I know how. If I won’t speak for myself, who will? If I don’t stand up for myself, who will?

I know there are people who do not need words. But, I am not that. I constantly need words. Sure, there are people who do not need to say things to understand each other, but not all of us have that connection. Sometimes, that kind of connection gets disrupted, too. And so, you end up overthinking where it all went wrong. Worse, it is too late to go back.

I always say that I’d rather hear the hard truth. It’s okay not to be gentle with me, especially if I deserve it. Bring me back on Earth, yes. I need that because having my head on space does not do me good. It just makes me stuck. It just makes my reality more unclear than it already is.

Recently, I’ve been holding back because I know my words can cut deep. Even if it’s the truth, I remain silent because it’s harsh, or I don’t know how to put it in a nice way. I remain silent because for a long time, I feel like my words are ruining things instead of fixing them.

It’s why I tiptoe a lot these days. It’s why I stay silent these days. It’s scary. I hear things, but I don’t hear myself.

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