If I recollect all the good moments, will they be enough to make me want to live longer?

“I don’t want to forget. I want to be okay with remembering.”

I now can’t recall where I have read this phrase; it just somehow stuck with me. Perhaps because as someone who has a foggy brain and forgets a lot of things almost instantly, or feels like I’m just watching another person live my life (I’m her but also not), there are things that I want to keep in my memory forever.

Or maybe because when I am okay with remembering even the bad shits, without crying or spiralling down, wouldn’t that mean that I am over it and healed from it?

If I recollect all the good moments, will they be enough to make me want to live longer?

I sure do have a lot of great memories too, but there are only a few where I intentionally, stubbornly willed myself to not forget. I have this habit of repeating these words in my head every time I want the moment to last: remember this, remember this, remember this.

And somehow it works.

I can tell you a few.

It was 2014. We had an event for 5 Seconds of Summer. I was on stage with my team so I have a pretty view of everyone who attended the event as we all shouted our hearts out to the songs from She Looks So Perfect EP. The faces of everyone there might be a bit blurry to me now but the song that I can still hear in my head as I think of that scene is Disconnected.

/ We put the world away /

Remember this. Remember this. Remember this.

/ We get so disconnected /

It was 2015, (I just know the year because of the photo I took then and uploaded online) I don’t remember who I was with or if there was anything particular or even out of the ordinary that happened that night during our town’s feast, but somehow, I can still see the fireworks so vividly. I kept saying in my head “remember this. remember this. remember this” as I wondered “how can something be so beautiful yet feel painful at the same time?” I don’t know, something inside me aches every time I see fireworks. Too beautiful to last.

Can I live a short but beautiful life, too?

It was 2016. 5SOS was on stage for their first concert here in the Philippines.

Remember this. Remember this. Remember this.

I didn’t film a lot, didn’t take photos that much. I was just grateful and happy to be there; to live in that moment. My team and I worked so hard to help bring them here, fan parties, album launches, sleepless nights doing updates about their tours and whatabouts – all worth it.

It was 2018. I was watching three balloons fly away, hoping the letters I’ve written and tied on one of them would reach Jjong.

Remember this. Remember this. Remember this. You have to live.

Of course the memories that I want to remember are not always good, but they serve as reminders to keep going. Some memories are of me walking home, at night, feeling like the world was closing in on me.

Remember this. Remember this. Remember this. You hate this feeling. You have to get out of this.

But most of these memories that I try so hard to remember are mostly me with nature (pretty much the images of sunset and how blue the sky is), people I love, concerts, my safe spaces. I don’t want to keep them in a jar that I can take out for the bad days. I want each of these memories to be etched in my whole being.

I want to remember. I can’t let life just slip away. I won’t let myself keep slipping away.